FAIRY: I am Fairy Twinkletoes welcome to our pantomime
I have a bewitching tale to tell in story dance and rhyme
Our story is about a boy called Jack, a story often told
He dreams of climbing to the sky and one day finding gold.


DAME HUMP: Hello boys and girls! Hello grown-ups!
How are you all?
My name is Dame Hump. I shouldn't really be singing and dancing because I've not been very well, I said I've not been very well.
AUDIENCE: Ahhhhhhhhhh
DAME HUMP: Oh come on it's sadder  than that, I said I've not been very well.
AUDIENCE: Ahhhhhhhhh
JACK: Hello mother!
DAME HUMP: Hello Jack!
JACK: Hello boys and girls!
AUDIENCE: Hello!
JACK: Are you going to be my friends boys and girls? I hope so. It's always good to know when you have friends around.
I tell you what, whenever you see me why don't you shout out, 'What's in your sack Jack?'
Shall we try that?
I'll go off and come back on again.
Hello boys and girls!
AUDIENCE: Whats in your sack Jack?
JACK: Oh, I think you can do better than that!
Hello boys and girls!
AUDIENCE: What's in your sack Jack?
JACK: That's better.
DAME HUMP: Well what have you got in your sack?
JACK: I've got some eggs and some milk.
DAME HUMP: Oh no, if you can't sell our eggs and milk at the market, we'll have to sell the farm.
JACK: We can't sell the farm mother, we don't own it. We rent it from the Queen.
DAME HUMP: Then we'll have to sell the only thing we've got that's worth real money.
JACK: Your rare collection of Michael Jackson hats?
DAME HUMP: No.
JACK: Your football signed by David Beckham?
DAME HUMP: No, we'll have to sell the Elma cows.
JACK: We can't sell the Elmas!
DAME HUMP: Oh yes we can.
JACK: Oh no we can't.
DAME HUMP: Oh yes we can.
JACK: Oh no we can't.
DAME HUMP: Oh yes we can.
JACK: But the Elmas are part of the family!
DAME HUMP: Where are the Elmas anyway?
JACK: Have you seen the Elmas boys and girls?  
AUDIENCE: Behind you!
JACK: Behind us? I can't see them can you see the mother?
DAME HUMP: No, I can't see them.
AUDIENCE: Behind you!
JACK: Behind us? Did you say they are behind us? Oh, there they are.
Hello Elmas.
DAME HUMP: I don't know why you bother talking to those cows, they can't answer you back.
JACK: Yes they can, they talk to me by stamping their hooves.
Elmas, stamp once for yes and twice for no.

Hello Susie, how's your lovely employer Princess Eva?
SUSIE: Very well Jack.
JACK: Has she sent a note for me?
SUSIE: Not today, just a shopping list. I think she'd like it if you  delivered the shopping in person.
JACK: I think I can find time.
SUSIE: Do be careful Jack, the Queen wants Eva to marry a prince. If she sees you hanging around, you might find yourself in the dungeons.
JACK: I'm never going to be a prince but I'll find some way for Princess Eva and I to live happily ever.
Tell the princess I'll see her very soon and I'll bring the shopping.
SUSIE: I'll tell her.


FAIRY: It's Fairy Twinkletoes here again, our story has begun.
Jack will do almost anything to be with his loved one,
Little does our hero know that danger lurks nearby,
A mean old giant is up above and danger lurks in the sky,
The giant employs a gangster who goes by the name of Missy,
She roams the countryside and she is slippery and tricky.


MISSY: Greetings, my name is Missy. My enemies call me Missy the Menace. My friends don't call me anything because I don't have any friends.
I am on my way to see Jack and his mother at Hump Farm.
I'll be asking them to pay me protection money, the farm could easily catch  fire and burn to the ground. If they pay me protection money, they will have nothing to worry about. Now, I have to go and be mean! See you later.


SUSIE: I gave the shopping list to Jack and he said that he'd deliver it to the palace.
PRINCEE EVA: Ooh good, I can't wait to see him.
SUSIE: Let's hope the Queen doesn't see him. She wouldn't approve of you falling in love with someone who doesn't have royal blood.
PRINCESS EVA: Susie I'm going to tell you a little secret. You must promise to never ever tell anyone.
SUSIE: Cross my heart.
PRINCESS EVA: When I was a little girl there was a servant who worked at the palace called Mrs Blueberry and she had a daughter.
SUSIE: Where is Mrs Blueberry now?
PRINCESS EVA: She went missing.
SUSIE: Missing?
PRINCESS EVA: People say that she was taken by an evil villain called Missy The Menace. Missy took Mrs Blueberry to her boss's castle and forced her to work as a cook.
SUSIE: Who was her boss?
PRINCESS EVA: The giant!
SUSIE: Giant?
PRINCESS EVA: A wicked giant who lives in a castle in the clouds.
SUSIE: What happened to Mrs Blueberry's daughter?
PRINCESS EVA: Can't you guess?
SUSIE: You?
PRINCESS EVA: Yes, me! The Queen adopted me and made me heir to the throne but there's no royal blood in my veins.
That's why it will be fine for me to marry Jack.
SUSIE: Does he know about this?  
PRINCESS EVA: No!
SUSIE: When will you tell him?
PRINCESS EVA: Maybe when we're married. Look out here comes my mother!


SUSIE: Excuse me your majesty,  Dame Hump and her son are asking to see you.  
PRINCESS EVA: Jack!
QUEEN MARY: Show them in. I'm always happy to talk to the peasants.
JACK: Hello boys and girls.  
AUDIENCE: What's in your sack Jack?
JACK: I'll tell you what's in my sack boys and girls, it's shopping for the palace.
QUEEN: State your business with the Queen.
DAME HUMP: Your majesty, my son Jack and I, work on one of your farms, times are hard and we were  wondering if you would reduce our rent?
QUEEN: Reduce your rent? Have you gone mad? And what is that scruffy boy doing talking to my daughter?
PRINCESS EVA: We're sweethearts mother.
QUEEN: Sweethearts? Nonsense!  Eva will marry a rich man with a huge castle and lots of land. Not a farmer's son!
Good day!


FAIRY: Jack and Eva are in love but danger lies ahead,
An evil woman approaches whilst the kingdom is in bed.


MISSY: Greetings peasants!
I am going to visit every farm in the village and make sure they've paid  me protection money. We wouldn't want any nasty accidents to happen!


FAIRY: The farm is in desperate need of gold,
So the Esma's will have to be sold,
I can help to improve Jacks means,
If I help him to plant these magic beans.
I'll enter the story in disguise and give our hero a surprise.


MISSY: Good morning madam.  What brings you out on this bright and sunny morning?
FAIRY: I'm going for a lovely quiet stroll. Are you Missy the Menace?
MISSY: At your service madam.
FAIRY: Am I about to be robbed?
I haven't any money, I only have this little bag of beans.
MISSY: Well I normally only accept gold or jewellery but for you I will make an exception.
FAIRY: Thank you.
MISSY: I have to admit I'm a little disappointed. I was hoping for something a little more shiny and valuable. Perhaps I can make this poor boy an offer he can't refuse.


JACK: Hello boys and girls...
AUDIENCE: What have you got in your sack Jack?
JACK: I'm afraid my sack's  completely empty.
MISSY: Good day to you sir.  Where are you heading with those fine looking animals?
JACK: These are our Elma cows. They have to be sold at the market.
MISSY: The market closed early today.
JACK: Now what am I going to do? Mother says I have to sell the Elma cows.
MISSY: I will offer to buy your cows from you.
JACK: For money?
MISSY: I can offer you something much more precious than money.
JACK: What's more precious than money?
MISSY: Beans.
JACK: Beans?
MISSY: You cannot eat money but if you plant these beans, they will grow and you can eat them.
JACK: What do you think boys and girls should I take the beans?
You really think I should take the beans? Very well, you have a deal.
MISSY: I'm sure you will not regret it.
JACK: I'm sure I will.


DAME HUMP: Hello boys and girls. Jack will be home soon and he'll have lots of money from selling the Elma cows. Here comes my lovely boy now.
JACK: Hello boys and girls.
AUDIENCE: What have you got in your sack Jack?
DAME HUMP: His sack is stuff for lots of lovely money.
JACK: I didn't get any money at all for the cow.
DAME HUMP: No money at all.
JACK: No.
DAME HUMP: What do you mean you got nothing for the Elma cows.
JACK: I didn't say I got nothing.
DAME HUMP: Then what did you get?
JACK: A bag full of beans.
DAME HUMP: A bag full of beans? How are we going to pay our rent? How are we going to pay protection money to the giant?
Who was it who only gave you beans for the Elma cows?
JACK: Missy the Menace.
DAME HUMP: Missy the Menace?
Give me those beans!


FAIRY: With enchanted stardust I sprinkle them now,
the beans will awake and grow swiftly right now.  Boys and girls, I need your help to make the spell work. You must all wish very hard and say after me, "Grow, grow, magic beans grow up to the sky."
AUDIENCE: Grow, grow, magic beans grow up to the sky.
FAIRY: You'll need to say the spell louder than that.  "Grow, grow, magic beans grow up to the sky."
AUDIENCE: Grow, grow, magic beans grow up to the sky.


DAME HUMP: Wow! That's a giant beanstalk! Jack! Come and see this!
JACK: Hello boys and girls!
AUDIENCE: What's in your sack Jack?
DAME HUMP: Never mind what's in his sack. Look at that!
JACK: Wow! What's that?
DAME HUMP: It's a giant beanstalk!
JACK: A giant beanstalk?
DAME HUMP: Yes! How did it get here?  
JACK: I've got a funny feeling that it's here for a special reason. Something tells me that I'm supposed to climb that beanstalk.
Goodbye everyone. Wish we luck.


FAIRY: Jack's made it to the top of the beanstalk, it took him several hours.
He can see the Giants castle with its drawbridge, gate and towers.
Gold and riches he will  find but he'll have to get inside.
Giants are an evil bunch and Jack's probably terrified.


MRS BLUEBERRY: Alright, alright, I'm coming. Who are you?  What are you knocking here for?
JACK: My name is Jack. I'm looking for a room for the night.
MRS BLUEBERRY: A room? This is an enchanted castle.
JACK: Who lives here?  
MRS BLUEBERRY: This is the giants castle!  
JACK: The giant? Wow, no wonder it's so big. Do you work for the Giant?
MRS BLUEBERRY: Yes, I'm Mrs Blueberry,  his cook. Many years ago he tricked me into working for him. If I try and escape his bodyguard Missy brings me back.
JACK: Missy the Menace?
MRS BLUEBERRY: Yes, she came here yesterday with cows and asked me to put them in the oven.
JACK: No! Those are my cows!
MRS BLUEBERRY: I haven't cooked them yet, they're tied up outside.
JACK: Will you help me get my cows back?
MRS BLUEBERRY: Yes,I'll help you, along as you help me get out of here.
JACK: Deal.
MRS BLUEBERRY: You'll need to hide and wait for the giant to fall asleep after dinner.


GIANT: Mrs Blueberry! Mrs Blueberry!
Take my order for dinner!
MRS BLUEBERRY: What would you like as a  starter?
GIANT: Ten chickens with lettuce.
For my main course, I'll have sheep on toast, with roast potatoes, baked potatoes, new potatoes, fried potatoes, mashed potatoes, jacket potatoes and sweet potatoes.
MRS BLUEBERRY: Any dessert?
GIANT: Yes, I'll have an apple pie, a gooseberry pie, a raspberry pie, a blackberry pie and a cherry pie.
MRS BLUEBERRY: Anything to drink?
Yes, I'll have eighteen bottles of wine.


MISSY: Greetings, sir. I have bought these fine animals for you.
GIANT: Those skinny things?  They're not fat enough to feed my cat.
What about cash?
Have you collected this week's protection money?
MISSY: I have succeeded in collecting some money for you.
GIANT: Is that it? Where's the rest?
MISSY: That's all of it.
GIANT: Get out and take those ridiculous looking animals with you.


MRS BLUEBERRY: He's asleep. Jack, you can come in now!
JACK: Hello, boys and girls!
AUDIENCE: What's in your sack Jack?
MRS BLUEBERRY: Sssshhhhhh!!! Keep your voices down. The giant is a very light sleeper.
JACK: Is that today's dinner?
MRS BLUEBERRY: No, that's the giants magic goose. It lays golden eggs!
JACK: Golden eggs?
MRS BLUEBERRY: It's his most prized possession.
JACK: Let's take the goose.
MRS BLUEBERRY: Be careful, Jack. The giant could wake up at any minute!
JACK: Here take the goose.
MRS BLUEBERRY: Got it.
JACK: Let's get out of here.
MRS BLUEBERRY: The giants waking up! Run for it Jack!


GIANT: Give me back my magic goose.
MRS BLUEBERRY: Never.
GIANT: Come back here so i can eat you for lunch!
JACK: You'll have to catch us first.
GIANT: Tonight I shall dine well.
JACK: Mrs Blueberry! The magic goose!
MRS BLUEBERRY: Let him go! Or the goose gets it!
GIANT: Not my goose! Don't hurt my magic goose!
JACK: Victory is ours! Let's go!


DAME HUMP: Jack! You're safe!
SUSIE: Thank goodness!
JACK: Yes but the giant is right behind us! He's climbing down the beanstalk.
DAME HUMP: You'll have to cut it down Jack.
MRS BLUEBERRY: Quickly Jack!
SUSIE: He's getting closer!
JACK: One, two, three...
DAME HUMP: Come on Jack!
JACK: One more chop!
The evil giant is no more!
ALL: Hooray!


DAME HUMP: Who is your new friend?
JACK: This is Mrs Blueberry.  she's been kept prisoner by the giant for almost 20 years. Mrs Blueberry this is my mother.
MRS BLUEBERRY: You should be very proud of your son. He saved my life.
DAME HUMP: I am very proud of my Jack.
JACK: Susie, can you look after this?  It's a special goose. Be very careful with it.
SUSIE: I will.
QUEEN: Mrs Blueberry! Welcome home! I've taken good care of your daughter.
PRINCESS EVA: Mother?
MRS BLUEBERRY: Come here. You've grown up to be a beautiful girl.
SUSIE: The goose just laid this egg.
DAME HUMP: It's solid gold.
ALL: Hooray!
DAME HUMP: It's time for our happy ending.
MISSY: Not so fast.
ALL: Oh no! It's Missy the Menace.
JACK: Let her speak! What do you want Missy?
MISSY: Well, I was wondering if these animals might belong to you.
ALL: The Elmas!
DAME HUMP: You brought them back!
MISSY: I did indeed.
PRINCESS EVA: Why would you do a good deed for us?
MISSY: The giant is dead. Which means I no longer have to do as she says.
JACK: Well, it looks like everyone's finally sorted out. Now, all together...
ALL: We can all live happily ever after. Hooray!
FAIRY: We hope you liked the characters, our pantomime is done,
As we turn the page, a new golden age in the kingdom has begun.


©️ Copyright 5 STAR TALENT 2022
This edition of Jack and the Beanstalk is published by 5 STAR TALENT, to whom enquiries regarding current royalty rates and performance licences must be addressed.
Email: info@5staruniquetalent.com

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